Small Bump, Big Love – My Baby Loss

Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life

Maybe you were needed up there but we’re still unaware as why – Ed Sheeran.

Miscarriage. I don’t even know where to start with this. It’s fucking horrible and no one should ever have to experience the loss of a child.

Last year, I was unknowingly pregnant. Then I became unbelievably poorly out of nowhere. I lost all energy and came down with a very bad case of bronchitis, so bad I was almost hospitalised. At the time I worked in a Doctor’s surgery and I blamed it on me somehow picking something up from a patient that had come in. Until the bleeding started. Then the pain that followed. I could barely stand from the cramps and I was extremely anaemic. I lost all colour in my face and lips. Something clearly wasn’t right.

It took a while to realise what had happened because I wasn’t aware that I had even conceived. After multiple tests, dates worked out and a lot of pain, we discovered that I had in fact, lost a baby.

FUCKING HEARTBROKEN.

I feel the fact that I could have maybe done something to stop it happening made me feel even worse. If I’d have known, I’d have stopped smoking and drinking immediately. I’d have taken the stress load off my back at work and I’d have done everything that I did when I was pregnant with my boy. Of course, it’s likely that it wasn’t even my fault. I’d have been about nine weeks pregnant, and because usually, I was on the pill so the thought that I was pregnant wouldn’t have even occurred to me.

As you can imagine, it hit me like a truck. I was inconsolable. My partner was so supportive but I don’t feel he understood for a while as to why I felt so terrible. That tiny life inside of me was no longer there and even though I had no idea about it, I instantly fell in love the second I found out.

It took me such a long time to begin getting back to a normal routine, and the process was made harder when a colleague of mine at the time fell pregnant. I was pleased for her of course, but I felt so gutted and wondered why I couldn’t keep a tiny life alive but she could.

RECOVERY.

I honestly don’t feel the same now, and it’s nearly a year on since it all happened. I think about it every day. I like to imagine I’d have had a little girl, and my little family would be complete with my son, my partner, baby and myself.

I’m okay, and I’m much stronger than I was about the whole situation. To be honest, it’s the first time I’ve shared any kind of story about it. There are only a few people that know about it, but I’ve got to a point where I want to reach out to those that have suffered a miscarriage before. Whether you knew about the baby or not, it’s still devastating.

I know how painful it is, and I know how hard it is to bring yourself out of the spiral of depression that you enter, but you can do it. There is help available, especially here. I might not be medically qualified but fucking hell I know how you’re feeling and please don’t suffer through this alone, especially if you don’t want to go around casting the news to everyone you know.

If you’d rather speak anonymously about your situation, please head over to the Miscarriage Association where you can get help with how you’re feeling, and support to get you up and running again.

I’m not going to ask you to share your stories because quite frankly that is so insensitive to do so. However, if you do want to inbox an admin about your situation I promise you, you have full confidentiality. I hope that no one else knows how this feels, but I’m not dense enough to actually believe that.

If you have, I’m truly sorry.

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